hey hey hey, goodbye.

i've decided to leave this blog.

all it ever served as was a page for me to vent my anger, hurt, or troubles and now...i don't need that.

i've found that sharing that bit of information with a lot of people can turn out...well, bad.

so i say farewell to this blog; for now at least.

will i ever come back? who knows.

i just no longer find it necessary to run to these open pages with problems to type and share with all.

some things are just better kept to myself.

that way it keeps me out of drama and trouble.

and there are much more...important things for me to focus on right now.

so goodbye, readers/fellow bloggers.

try not to miss me too much ;)

-becca

when you're gone.

true story:
every morning on the way to the center of my town, around 7:15 AM in a graveyard, an old man sits on the wall. He sits on a pillow so the stones don't hurt his back. with him, he brings his breakfast. every morning around 7:15 AM this old man, perhaps in his seventies or eighties, eats breakfast by his wife's gravestone. then, around 2:00 in the afternoon, he returns to the gravesite and drinks afternoon coffee with her.

now if you ask me, that's something right out of a Nicholas Sparks book.

wow.

i am truely awestruck upon hearing this story from my sister and my neighbors that drive past him on their way to school every morning.

it's a beautiful tragedy really.

the fact he is in such deep love with this woman that he goes above and beyond his marrige vows. until death do we part? no. death parted them and he's STILL there.

hearing this story almost made me cry.

the idea that love like that really does exist.

it's not just something in a music video.
it's not just something in a romance novel.
it's not just the fantasy of a young girl looking for her perfect guy.
it's actual reality.

that old man is living breathing proof of love's limits, or lack of, i should say.

because his wife, for reasons unknown and may God bless her soul, was taken from him. and yet, here he is. still in as much love as he was when they were both present on this earth.

i can only hope that everyone can be blessed with that kind of love.

a love that never leaves you; even if the loved one does.

falling for you.

we can't choose who we fall for.

if we did, maybe i wouldn't be in this situation.

maybe i could actually choose to like a guy who will return the feelings.
but no.
i'm stuck liking the one guy i doubt will ever see me as more than 'one of the guys'.

you're one of the only ones who has the power to crush my heart with one comment.
i could be on top of the world and then you say one thing and suddenly i'm looking at myself in the mirror asking what's wrong with me?
and yet i still can't help following you like a naive puppy as you run in front dragging my heart through the dirt.

there are times when i get a feeling in my gut that you like me too.
maybe you stuck up for me, even if we were all joking around.
or maybe you looked a little jealous when i mentioned another guy.
but then i'm back to being the girl you only talk to in school.

because the second i think that maybe, just maybe, i've finally found a guy that i like and who likes me back, you say something or make a comment or do something that just breaks me down again.

you say i'm one of your girl friends and i know that you're one of my guy friends, but what if it's not enough sometimes?

what if i just want ONE guy to be there for me?
to stick by my side no matter what.
to actually care about me.
to listen to me when i'm having issues.
to laugh WITH me when i fall, only to help me up and ask if i'm ok.

but no.
we're just friends.
stuck in a constant circle of me wishing, you ignoring, me wanting, you not caring.

i make you laugh.
i make you smile.
i make you mad.
i make you irritated.
i make you crazy.
i make you feel better.
but what can i do to make you love me?

jealousy.

i hate jealousy, yet we all feel it.

maybe someone has REALLY cool boots and you want then same ones.
maybe you have a shirt but it looks better on someone else.
maybe you desperately want to see a band and you know someone who saw them.
and maybe...there's this guy.

someone who kinda makes your heart skip a beat.
someone who you just love to talk to.
someone you can always just sit with and maybe say nothing, but still have a blast.
someone like one of your best guy friends.

and when jealousy gets in the mix; it sucks.

something twists in your heart when you see them laughing with other girls.
you want to cry if they pass you up for someone else.
it hurts a bit more than usual when they say something mean to you.
and when they chose someone else over you...its painful.

this girl could be your best friend who doesn't even like the guy, but when you see them talking and laughing you just can't help but be jealous.
this girl could already have a boyfriend, but when you see them meeting at each other's lockers you want to be in her shoes.
this girl could be the most popular girl in school who only says a few words to him, but when you see him telling her a joke you've never heard you suddenly feel very insecure standing next to her even more so than before.

jealousy is the green eyed creature that gnaws at you from the inside and tries to burrow into your heart.

it's hard not to be jealous when you like someone so much.
especially when you're having such doubts about him ever returning the feelings.

my heart is already a little broken.
but jealousy shatters it.

i know.

i know a lot of things in life.

2+2=4
grass is usually green.
my dog's name is Sable.
i enjoy talking to said dog.
the sun is hot.
the jonas brothers are hot.

but even though i was right on all of those, that doesn't mean i'm always right.
NO ONE is always right.
hell, 20 questions told me i was thinking of an aardvark when i was thinking about my cell phone!
but i hate people who THINK they're always right.

the ones who NEVER listen to what other people say.
the ones who the SECOND they see something make up their minds about it.
the ones who find it their JOB to pass judgement on everything and everyone.
the ones who judge to make themselves feel important.
the ones who never give anyone second chances.

in fact when i hear the words OVERLY judgemental; a few people come to mind.

the worst reasoning for being judgemental about something?
"because it is"
"because i said so"
"just...'cause"
"i can tell"
"i know"

newsflash; you don't know EVERYTHING.
you're wrong too.
you're wrong A LOT, actually; sorry to break it to you!
you will forever go through life bitter and alone.
because no one likes a girl whose reasoning is "just 'cause...that's what i think...so i'm right."
because odds are; you're WRONG.

seventeen forever.

We're one mistake from being together
but let's not ask why it's not right.
You won't be seventeen forever
and we can get away with this tonight.
-Metro Station

a simple song about rebelling, right?
wrong.

the way i look at it is the crazy and, let's face it, annoying Trace Cyrus and the wonderful Mason Musso telling us an important thing.

you're in a stage of being a kid. where you can get away with most things.
you can balme it on immaturity or ignorance [not the greatest excuses, but people go for it].
but the second you hit 18, things change.
life changes.

you way wake up on your eighteenth birthday and say "i don't feel any different than i did yesterday" and i do that too.

but even though you might feel the same from the last night you're seventeen to the first morning you're eighteen, something HAS changed.

you can drink alcohol in most places.
you can be tried as an adult and go to real jail verses going to juvie.
you can only be intimately involved with a person over eighteen.
you can live alone.
you can get married without parental consent.
you can get piercings and tatoos without parental consent.
you can smoke.

now does that sound like nothing has changed?

i think Metro Station hit something very important with this song, whether they meant to or not.

you're not going to be a kid forever.

so appreciate it you while your innocence is still in tact and you are still a carefree kid.

because once you hit eighteen, adios!

you're going to college.
moving out.
getting a job.
paying bills.
living alone.
all that fun stuff.

so while we may not be seventeen forever; living in teen world and being classified as a kid.
take advantage of the time.

me? i'm going to be eighteen in four years.

long time? kinda.

in a hurry? hell no.

my life would suck without you.

dear blog readers,

i'm not perfect.
there are so many things about me that are so far from perfect:

i'm judgemental.
i honestly sometimes lose sleep at night because i KNOW i hurt someone by being so judgemental and i KNOW it made them feel bad. although they might be stuck with the memory; i'm stuck with the guilt.

i can be mean.
i have previously made people feel TERRIBLE and i have to live with that.

i'm hypocritical.
everyone is at some point, get over it.

now after accepting i am all of these things about myself, i sometimes ask the question "why?"
"why did God make me like this?"
"why would he want someone like ME walking around the earth?"

and then it hit me (rather, it KICKED me).
i met the one person out there who counters my bad faults.
the phrase oppsoites attract; simple right?
well this one will hurt your brain: we are exactly alike, and yet two completely different people.

now stay with me.
in some ways, we are "twins", as some people call us.
but she is so different than i am.
she keeps me under control.
she is the yin to my yan.

when i am judgemental, she is accepting.
when i am hypocritical, she is genuine.
when i am cruel, she is caring and kind.
when i am being cynical, she is dreaming.
when i am being pessimistic, she is positive.
when i am taking things as a joke, she is serious.

but when i'm running through the snow barefoot, she's right there with me.
when i'm getting attacked by a swan, she's running and screaming ten feet in front of me.
when i'm singing a ridiculous song, she's harmonizing.
when i'm laughing at a fail of a movie (let's just use 1000 BC as an example), she's laughing her butt off on the floor in below me.
when i'm robbing a bank and going to jail, she's waiting at the station paying my bail most likely laughing at me for getting caught.

the point is, this entire post is dedicated to her.
the one who knows me better than i know myself.
the one who keeps me from making the world such a dark place.
the one who not only sees me, but sees multiple sides of me.
the one who, let's be honest here, puts up with me.

because i am so thankful of her existence in this world.
i honestly can't picture my life without her.
and honestly, i would probably vow to never see the world outside the four walls of my bedroom if she ever left me.

and i know that i don't even deserve her.
she deserves a saint as her best friend.
because she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

let me put it this way, you all know i'm messed up.
well me WITHOUT her would be worse by ten fold; trust me.

the bottom line? i'm thankful.

so thank you Thea Nicole Hickey.
just for being alive.
<3